At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
