The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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