i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
