i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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