He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
