i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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