You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
