I checked into jail on foursquare
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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