Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
