Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
