Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
