I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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