god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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