the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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