just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
