Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
