Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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