As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
