I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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