dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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