my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
