She is in my trunk
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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