I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
