she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
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Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
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Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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