Cold hands, warm shart.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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