Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
