actually, I'm a sock model
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
time to smoke my breakfast
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
