just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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