he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
