Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
