Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?