I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?