The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
