he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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