Please, let me fuck your mom
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
