I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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