He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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