a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
