and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
