i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
