My hair reeks of homosexuality.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
