You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
