are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
