mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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