why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
did i walk over a car last night?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
