Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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