Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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