I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
