I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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