you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
