Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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