Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
