I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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