Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
