Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
