We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Randomize
