So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
3pm strippers are depressing
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
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