I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
