The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
