Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
